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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25346158">Body</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/xXdark_passengerXx/pseuds/xXdark_passengerXx'>xXdark_passengerXx</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Significant &amp; Serious Topics [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Durarara!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anorexia, Eating Disorders, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Mutilation, Shizaya - Freeform, but thats not the main focus, self mutilation attempt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 06:40:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,077</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25346158</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/xXdark_passengerXx/pseuds/xXdark_passengerXx</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>❝body, i'm more than my body;<br/>my mind's worth its weight in gold;<br/>i know i'm worth this❞</p><p>---</p><p>    "Eat."</p><p>    "It's not that easy, protozoan," Izaya hissed. "I can't just eat food. If I could, don't you think I would've already?"</p><p>    "It's just in your mind! Eat the damn food before I shove it down your throat!"</p><p>    He was tired. He was tired of explaining the same thing over and over again, only for people to dismiss what he said without a second thought. So, with a shaky hand, he took a bite and ate until half the food was gone. </p><p>     He kept his eyes on the table, refusing to look up. "Now get out."</p><p>    Shizuo did just that.</p><p>    Without even thinking about it, he ran to the bathroom to undo the food he had just taken.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Heiwajima Shizuo/Orihara Izaya</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Significant &amp; Serious Topics [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1840975</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>98</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Shizaya*</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Body</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>tw: eating disorders, body mutilation attempt, self-harm</p><p>as you read the story, please be mindful to the topics being dealt with. this is strictly for informative purposes and my wish isnt to romanticize anything. if something is inaccurate or doesnt seem right, please let me know.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><br/>
     The water dripping onto his body was barely noticeable to him. He had been standing in the shower for so long, he was numb to the feeling. Still, he didn't get out— he didn't want to. He knew that if he did, he wouldn't be able to make it past the scale without hopping on to it. As much as he hated seeing the numbers, he couldn't ever just pretend it didn't exist.</p><p>    With a shaky sigh, he closed the faucet, reaching for the towel right out of the shower to wrap around his waist. He couldn't bear looking at himself in the mirror any more than he needed to.</p><p>    Next thing he knew he was on the scale, peering down at the numbers as he bit the bottom of his lip. The numbers hadn't grown, which was fine. Apparently, it had gone two pounds down, but it still wasn't enough. He was beginning to wonder if anything ever would be.</p><p>    It took him moments to look away, but of course, as soon as he did, his gaze landed on the mirror. He didn't bother trying to stop himself as he stepped towards it, staring at his body with eyes full of disgust. His eyes fell from his face to his neck. A hand snaked up towards it, a finger probing the skin just above his neck and below his chin. His fingers stopped for a second before trailing up, squeezing his cheeks. <em>Why was he able to hold then?</em></p><p>     He squeezed harder until it hurt, his teeth digging into the insides of his cheeks. He could see thirteen year old him in the mirror, and he couldn't tell what was worse: the pounds he gained in the past years or the self-loathing in his past self's eyes.</p><p>     His other hand found its way to his stomach. His fingers stretched as he clawed his ribcage. Standing sideways,  he noticed the way his stomach sank in. It was a strange sight to see every time, but not unusual anymore. It wasn't enough either. <em>He didn't know what was.</em></p><p>The hand on his stomach clenched, his nails digging into his skin, but it didn't hurt. Nothing really did anymore. It would all just end up as scars, just like the welted ones on his stomach. They would all eventually become nothing but a mark— one that he would forever have to look at but never feel the pain.</p><p>His eyes travelled down to his hand, where red was coating the tips of his lithe fingers from his previous wounds. He let go of his cheeks and his stomach, his hands finding a grip on the counter instead. Looking up, he couldn't help but stare at his face. <em>What did he have to do for the feeling to go away?</em></p><p>—</p><p>
  <em>"There he is!" his father exclaimed, his hands in the air as he waited for Izaya to jump into his arms, which he did. Shirou stood up, Izaya squealing at suddenly being lifted. "How does it feel to be ten?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Put me down!" He slapped his father's forearms, giggling as the latter did so.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Well, don't you look dashing?" A hand reached out and ruffled his hair. "You look just like a penguin, waddling like that."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Izaya laughed again. Before he could call his father silly for the comment, his mother walked in with a stern look on her face, shaking her head at his dad.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Don't lie to him. I thought we agreed on telling him to stop eating so much," his mother hissed, standing in front of his crouched father.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Shirou sighed, standing up. "Kyouko, he's—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"My son isn't going to go around looking like a whale."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Izaya froze at her words. A whale? Her comment made him forget his father calling him a penguin and all the other good things said about him. What was she trying to say?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Tell him to change into a loose shirt," she ordered, walking past the both of them. "I will not be embarrassed like this."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Izaya looked after her, but his father blocked his field of vision, picking him up over his shoulders. Shirou grinned at him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Don't worry about her."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>—</em>
</p><p>     "Izaya!"</p><p>    Izaya turned around, smirking at the man that ran after him. These chases were what made Izaya feel so alive. When he was running, he wasn't thinking about how much he had eaten in the past week. When he was running, he felt like he was in the teen years he never got to properly experience.</p><p>    "Shizu-chan!" Izaya called after him, stepping to the side as a vending machine whizzed past him. "That nearly hit me!"</p><p>    Shizuo was getting closer, but Izaya didn't move. He tried, but he couldn't. It seemed like he had been eating a lot less than he normally would, and that resulted him in feeling weak. As a trash can came his way, he realized that he may not get to experience getting out alive this time. If he were lucky, Shizuo would take him out.</p><p>    "Oi, Flea? Flea!"</p><p>    He felt the concrete underneath him, but as he tried opening his eyes, everything was so blurry. There was a faint voice— a frantic one, but his mind was too muddled to make it out.</p><p>    There was a gentle touch on his shoulders and his legs. He couldn't feel anything, but the air changed. He was suddenly a penguin again, being lifted in the air by his father. The touch was just so similar.</p><p>—</p><p>
  <em>    "Izaya, sweetie, is that all you're eating? Here, let me go get you something else."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    He looked up at the woman and smiled. His family and he were at their neighbours' lunch party. Normally, his family didn't go, but his father thought it would be nice, especially since he and his wife were going to go on leave for a while.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    He opened his mouth to speak, but his mother appeared from behind him. When he looked up at her, he saw the smile he hated.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    "Oh, he's fine. He's been eating a lot recently, anyway," she explained, her hands on the back of his chair. He frowned and stared down at his plate, his appetite gone.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    "Are you sure?" The woman grimaced, and eyeing Izaya's expression probably didn't make her feel any more at ease. "I mean, he's just a kid. He looks a bit thin for his age, don't you think?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    "He looks perfectly fine for an eleven year old. Really, don't worry about him," his mother reassured.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    "I'm thirteen," he mumbled. His mother pretended not to hear him as she whisked the woman away, who had heard and was giving him a sorrowful.</em>
</p><p>—</p><p>"Izaya! Are you awake?"</p><p>He groaned as he tried sitting up, but he felt hands trying to push him down. He glared at Shinra, who was still a bit blurry in his vision.</p><p>"What?" he hissed, trying his best to pry Shinra's fingers off of him. "What happened?"</p><p>"You fainted," he explained. "Shizuo threw a garbage can, but it didn't even hit you. He said you just collapsed in the middle of the streets."</p><p>"He's lying." He shook his head, trying to get his thoughts straight. "I saw it come at me—"</p><p>"Izaya, it missed." His voice was a lot more gentle than it usually was, and Izaya wondered why. "He brought you here, so I decided to check your vitals and everything— and just tell me this...You're not eating again, are you?"</p><p>"Don't be ridiculous," Izaya laughed off, ignoring the <em>again. "</em>Who do you think I am?"</p><p>"Your blood pressure's way too low, Izaya, and I think you should—"</p><p>Izaya ignored everything he was saying. He stood up and was glad when Shinra didn't try stopping him. He picked up his coat, which was crumbled on the ground. His coat was everything to him; it always covered his body up.</p><p>    He wore the one thing that made him feel better and left the apartment with no other words.</p><p>
  <em>—</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     Izaya stared down at his lunch, his hands right by it, but he didn't eat. He didn't think he could. Shinra seemed to notice, leaning into Izaya's personal bubble.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    "You're not eating?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    "I'm not hungry," he stated, folding his lunch away and back into his backpack. </em>
  <em>Briefly, he thought about how it used to be. It wasn't always like this; at first, he began with just eating less, then he started to skip meals.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    "Are you sure? You already eat so little, and from what I remember, you told me you skip breakfast too." Shinra's hand caught his wrist as he tried zipping up his backpack. He looked at Shinra and saw the tiniest bit of concern. "You should eat as much as you could."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    Izaya laughed, shaking his wrist out of Shinra's weak grip. He waved the same hand in the air. "Really, Shinra, don't worry about me."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    He excused himself to the bathroom. As he walked in the corridors, he closed his eyes, wanting the feeling to go away even for just a moment.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    Next thing he knew, he was sitting in front of the toilet on his knees. He hadn't puked. He realized a long time ago that it did nothing for him. Still, it never stopped him, hoping for the best.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    He felt a tear run down his cheek, and he didn't bother wiping it away. He felt gross, and it wasn't because his head was so close to the toilet. It was something else— he felt disgusted at himself.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    Sitting back against the wall, he let the tears dry on his face. Was anything ever enough?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>—</em>
</p><p>Izaya wanted to run down the streets, but he didn't have enough energy to. He hated Shinra for attaching the stupid IV to his wrist. He didn't need him to feed him like that, it was condescending to him. He didn't like how he was treated so delicately. He was eating <em>just fine.</em></p><p>    He was fine, so why were there tears running down his cheeks? He wanted to sob, wanted to let out all the frustrations he had. He wanted to curse his mother for making him like he was, for making him think his weight was all he ever needed to worry about.</p><p>    He didn't though. He stayed silent as he walked back home through the dark night. For a brief moment, he entertained the thought of having someone care for him. He read stories about people like him so many times; it wasn't necessary to have someone else bring them out of the darkness. People tended to do it on their own, but he didn't think he could. He felt like he needed someone to help him, his mind was too out of it to properly think on its own.</p><p>    He pushed the thought away. It was absurd to think anyone would love him with the way he was.</p><p>
  <em>—</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    He had gone days without eating. His mother seemed to be in a lot of pain, especially with the two newborns, except they weren't; they were two years old now, but his parents seemed to love spoiling them. All of her attention had gone on them, so she didn't speak to him as often. He still felt obligated to make her proud, so he decided to be the smart eleven year old his dad always praised him for.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    Tonight was the first time in a while since he had eaten again. The last time he even looked at food was three days ago. He couldn't skip another meal. He thought it was fine.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    Then his mother walked in.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    She gasped as she ran up to him, holding his cheeks in her hands. She looked like she was about to cry as her hand caressed his face, her fingers lingering on his cheek. He couldn't stop the hope in his heart from growing.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    "Izaya," her voice was scolding, but she seemed concerned, "What are you doing?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    Looking into her eyes, he felt a bit guilty. Maybe he really hadn't been doing the right thing.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    "I—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    She took the plate from him, shaking her head. "You look so much heavier than I remember. You shouldn't be eating all that junk food."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    She was concerned but for all the wrong reasons.</em><br/>
<br/>
<em>"I don't even like sweets," he mumbled, but his words fell on deaf ears.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    He felt tears gather in his eyes as he watched her dump the food on his plate into the compost. He was hungry— he thought it had been enough.</em>
</p><p>—</p><p>     "Shizu-chan?"</p><p>    As soon as he got home, he had planned to sleep and never wake up. That was what he hoped for every night, but the universe wasn't so nice. His plans of sleeping were all thrown out as soon as he saw the blond on his sofa.</p><p>    "What're you doing here?" he asked exasperated. He was tired— he had been for years— but he was irritated too. It was embarrassing enough for his enemy to see him in the state he had been.</p><p>    "Shinra told me." <em>Of course he did.</em> "I always knew you were a skinny twig. Didn't think it was because you had some kind of disease or whatever."</p><p>    Izaya frowned at his words, distracting himself with taking off his shoes. It didn't matter what Shizuo said— it didn't matter to Izaya. His words meant nothing.</p><p>    "Yeah, and?"</p><p>     "And I came here because you wouldn't learn," Shizuo hissed, standing up as he walked towards Izaya, who was too tired to move. He grabbed the smaller man's forearm. Izaya winced at his grip and Shizuo's brows furrowed. "Sorry, I didn't mean to—"</p><p>    "What are you doing here, Shizu-chan?" he asked, ignoring the pain running up his arm. He couldn't bear the thought of Shziuo finding out about the wounds underneath his sleeve.</p><p>    Shizuo's face softened by the slightest. "You randomly passed out. I should've been dancing over your body, but I didn't."</p><p>   "And why didn't you?"</p><p>    Shizuo smiled and Izaya felt scared. Why was Shizuo smiling like that? They were just trying to kill each other hours ago. How could so much change within mere moments?</p><p>   "I didn't," Shizuo paused, letting Izaya's arm go, "Because I didn't want to see you like that."</p><p>   Izaya didn't ask him to explain himself. Shizuo didn't bother elaborating.</p><p>—</p><p>
  <em>     He sat in the bathtub with all his clothes on. He was terrified, but he had to do this. With a shaky hand, he rolled up his sleeve, his fingers tracing the pale skin. Shinra tried telling him he was too pale, but what did he know?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    Biting his bottom lip, he flipped his switchblade open, angling his arm in a certain way to help him. On his forearm, he noticed some skin— some fat sticking out and decided that was where he would do it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    He didn't know if this would even work. He knew it wouldn't, actually. He didn't want to admit it. He wanted it to work because if it didn't, he would just be hopeless.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    The blade of the knife made contact with his skin and he tried not to whimper. He then turned the knife, but couldn't bring himself to slice it open.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     "Come on," he whispered to himself, but the pain was too intolerable. It was ridiculous to think he could cut some of his weight off like this. He brought the knife away from his arm and just leaned back against the wall of the tub, his hands resting on his stomach.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    His stomach.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>     He peered down, his fingers now on the hem of his shirt. He slowly pulled it up with one hand, the other rubbing the weight that stuck out.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>    His hand left his shirt, grabbing the knife again. Maybe... </em>
</p><p>
  <em>    The tip of the knife touched his stomach, but that was as far as he went. He couldn't bring himself to actually slice himself.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>—</em>
</p><p>Shizuo didn't end up leaving for a while. Instead, the blond had gone into the kitchen, pulling out a variety of foods and laid them out on a table. Izaya grimaced as he was forced to sit down.</p><p>    He glared up at Shizuo. "What're you doing, you protozoan?"</p><p>    "Making you eat," Shizuo growled as he stood beside Izaya. He pushed the plate forward. "Eat."</p><p>    "It's not that easy," Izaya hissed, staring at the meal, horrified. He wouldn't show his fear to Shizuo though, he would never. "I can't just eat food. If I could, don't you think I would've already?"</p><p>    "It's just in your mind! Eat the damn food before I shove it down your throat," Shizuo yelled, and Izaya was surprised when he managed to suppress a flinch at the loud voice.</p><p>    He nervously eyed the food, knowing Shizuo wouldn't leave otherwise. He was tired. He was tired of explaining the same thing over and over again, only for people to dismiss what he said without a second thought. He was tired of everything. So, with a shaky hand, he took a bite. He made a point to keep his gaze from Shizuo's.</p><p>    Half the food was gone, and that seemed to be enough for the blond. Izaya looked down at the table— away from Shizuo and the food— and felt his fists clench.</p><p>    "Now get out."</p><p>    Shizuo did just that. There was a moment of hesitancy, but he eventually got over himself and left.</p><p>    Izaya stared at the door before he angrily stood up, slapped the plate off the table. Without even thinking about it, he ran to the bathroom to undo the food he had just taken.</p><p>—</p><p>  <em>    Izaya ran with the other kids, keeping a steady pace. He was good at the warm-ups since he could run for a long time, but it seemed his endurance decided to test him today.</em></p><p>
  <em>    The view in front of him was blurring and he felt the world flip upside down. He heard voices, but he didn't know what they were saying. He kept running, and he wasn't even sure if it were in the right direction anymore. With the way his vision was spinning, it was possible he wasn't running in a straight line. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>    He felt someone touch his arm, but the contact only burnt. He shrugged the hand off his forearm. As he moved away, he felt the force of the ground. The world stopped spinning for a moment but only because his vision blacked out.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>—</em>
</p><p>     Shizuo was back the next day. Izaya tried keeping him out, but the brute ended up breaking down the door. Izaya was helpless as the other sat on his couch.</p><p>"I don't understand," he repeated for what was probably the hundredth time. "Why are you here? You should be throwing things at me."</p><p>Shizuo frowned as he stared at Izaya with a look the latter couldn't decipher. "You're weak. It wouldn't be right to hit you when you're already down. Since you got this thing—"</p><p>"You're acting as if I just got it." Izaya crossed his arms, standing metres away from the blond. "I told you, nothing changed. It was just a bad day."</p><p>"Well, I didn't like it," Shizuo confessed.</p><p>"Why didn't you?" Izaya questioned, letting out a small laugh devoid of all humour. "Tell me, Shizu-chan, what kind of epiphany did you possibly have that made you less angry?"</p><p>Shizuo didn't lash out at him like Izaya expected him to. He stayed quiet for a minute, only keeping his eyes on Izaya. As Izaya looked back, he couldn't see as much of the malicious intent as there used to be.</p><p>"I didn't like seeing you like that—"</p><p>"But what does that mean, Shizu-chan?" Izaya asked, exasperated and desperate. He was tired all over again; he didn't think it ever left.</p><p>"Aren't you supposed to be smart or something?" Shizuo asked instead, avoiding his question.</p><p>Izaya wasn't going to let it pass. "If you're not going to answer, you can leave."</p><p>"Fine," Shizuo sighed out, standing up. Izaya felt the small glimmer of hope shatter as Shizuo got onto his feet. He didn't know why he thought anything would change. He didn't know why he ignored everything and just decided to hope like an idiot.</p><p>"Okay." Izaya's voice was barely above a whisper, but he passed it off as nothing more than a passive-aggressive response.</p><p>Shizuo didn't leave. He walked up to Izaya, standing way too close for his comfort. Izaya put a hand on his chest, trying to push him away, as the other reached for his back pocket for a knife. Shizuo seemed to have seen that coming, since he grabbed his hand faster than Izaya had ever seen him move.</p><p>"I didn't like seeing you like that," he started, his voice gentle. Izaya didn't want to blindly listen, he really didn't, but he did. "On the ground, hopeless and possibly dead. I don't know why, maybe I wanted to be the one to put you there, maybe I hated seeing you get such an easy way out. Whatever it was, it's not happening again."</p><p>Izaya's eyes were on his, unmoving and unwavering. "When did you get so smart with words?"</p><p>—</p><p>
  <em>Izaya walked onto school grounds, but he didn't get very far. Two boys from his physics class blocked his path, a grin on both of their faces.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Your lunch money," one guy said, not bothering to elaborate. Izaya knew what he meant and he could only raise a brow at his two classmates.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He could've easily walked away, maybe even cut them both with his switchblade, but he didn't. Instead, he smiled up at them. "I don't have any."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Bullcrap." The other one stepped forward, his arms crossed as he glared at the raven.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Really," Izaya inquired, not really caring if the two believed him. He didn't care for much these days. "I don't."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Your lunch then."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I don't have that either."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A perplexed look drew upon their faces as they glanced at each other before one of them muttered, "Your bag."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He should've just walked away, but their confusion was so intriguing. He wanted to see just how far he could push the two. So, he slipped his bag off his shoulder with a sigh, holding it up to their eye level before dropping it onto the floor. They gave him a hesitant look, untrusting, but he only shrugged his shoulders at them.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A moment later, one of them bent down to swipe the bag, holding upside down to empty its contents. Binders and notebooks spilt out, a pencil case too, but no wallet or any money.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The other guy seemed to get angry as he glared at Izaya. They could've checked Izaya's pockets, but they seemed like they couldn't be bothered to since they already wasted so much time with Izaya.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The guy holding his bag threw it to the side before walking away. Once they were gone, Izaya eyed his bag, wondering if it were a good thing he never ate at school anymore.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>—</em>
</p><p>"I don't get it," Shizuo mumbled, shaking his head. "Why can't you just eat?"</p><p>"I wish it were that simple," Izaya whispered. It had been a few days since he last spoke to Shizuo, but the latter decided to visit Izaya to make sure he was all right. Izaya would have to admit, he didn't get why Shizuo suddenly decided to help him instead of killing him, but he assumed it had something to do with his good heart. Shizuo was just like that.</p><p>"Well, I may not get it," the blond started, scratching the back of his head as he tried to gather his thoughts. Izaya could see his struggle to form a coherent sentence. "But I'm not gonna kill you until whatever this is gets sorted out."</p><p>Shizuo stood up, walking towards the front door to wear his shoes and leave. Izaya stood up from his spot but stayed where he was.</p><p>Izaya nervously licked his lips before hesitantly speaking up, "Do you think this can get sorted out?"</p><p>Shizuo paused what he was doing, one shoe halfway on his foot. He looked at Izaya with an obvious look, silently asking if the other really asked what he thought he did.</p><p>"Don't be stupid," he grumbled, going back to slipping on his shoes. "I can't keep you out of Ikeburuko otherwise."</p><p>Izaya stayed silent as he watched Shizuo leave without another word. Distantly, he realized a smile was on his lips, and for the first time, the scars on his skin didn't ache.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>to be honest, i was very hesitant to post this.</p><p>please call me out if something is wrong or doesnt seem right. be as rude as you need to, you can even just straight up say "no idiot thats not it. youre romanticizing this! thats completely wrong!" and id change it immediately. this fic isn't meant to romanticize anything. its for people to understand how severe and real and messy mental illnesses can be, which is why its so vital for this to be accurate. people tend to dismiss mental illnesses as 'something in peoples minds' and they dont understand how awful it is :/ </p><p>another thing:: this is also for those who may be suffering from an eating disorder. there is hope, hence why i didnt give this any other ending. i believe its important for /you/ to /want/ to be better and it has to be /you/ to get yourself out of the dark place, but of course, other people can always be there to help and support.</p><p>i wish i could share every hotline number that exists, but if you search 'eating disorder hotline' it should show up. also, i dont know if other countries have this, but we have something called 'kids help phone', which is for all ages. it's a free 24/7 number that offers counselling, referrals, information, etc. i recommend you find something similar to that &lt;3</p><p>you are wonderful and so strong and so brave for continuing to live. it may not mean much from a stranger, and i know words dont do a lot, but i have so much faith in you &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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